I’m thinking of changing professions, because yesterday the Postal Service delivered to our mailbox a letter promising the opportunity of a lifetime:
“GET PAID FOR MAILING OUR SPECIAL LETTERS FROM HOME! Potential earnings of up to $5,000 OR MORE weekly! FREE postage, FREE circulars, FREE envelopes ... Don’t get left out!”
“Dear Friend,” the letter starts. I don’t know which friend sent me this, and I’m pretty upset about that because I want to thank that person from the bottom of my heart.
“Would you like to earn $1,000 to $5,000 each week from the comfort of your home?” the letter-writer asks. Well, YEAH! “How about more than $5,000 a week?” WOW! That’s even better!
My anonymous friend informed me that he/she is “presently in the midst of hiring Home Workers for our busy season ... We desperately need at least 250 Home Workers each week to stuff and mail out our special advertising letters.” At this point, my curiosity is piqued.
“We have so much work on hand,” my unnamed friend informed me, “that we’re paying Home Workers $10 for each letter stuffed and returned to us as per instructions.” That’s not an error. “$10 EACH...” My pulse rate just shot through the roof!
“If we receive 99 letters stuffed and mailed out by you, we’ll pay you $99. If we receive 149 letters, we’ll pay you $1,490. If we receive 199 letters, we’ll pay you $1,990.” Etc., etc., etc.
“You do not need any special skills, education, or experience to stuff and mail our special advertising letters,” my unidentified friend advised.
This is getting better and better! I’ve lost track of the number of times during my career as a news reporter that I’ve been told I was stupid or was called a nincompoop, an ignoramus, a doofus, a dope, an imbecile, a jerk, a jackass, an idiot, a moron, and several colorful terms that are not appropriate to print in this space.
I quickly scanned the rest of this incredible offer and arrived at this paragraph:
“In order to get you started immediately, we must require a one-time computer processing and materials fee. The fee must match the income group that you have selected. This one- time fee Insures that you’re serious about the program ... Part of the fee is for our accountant to set up a payroll plan, so that you can receive your paycheck promptly each week...”
Next, I was advised to “look over the different income groups on the enclosed application and decide which one you want to start under.”
For Income Group #1 (earn $990), the fee is $99. “We send you 99 letters, 99 envelopes, 99 customer mailing labels.” Me, I’m aiming high, so I go to Income Group #5 (earn $5,000); the fee is $399.
At $260K a year, within a couple of years I’m looking at Oklahoma in my rear-view mirror. Goodbye ink stains. Hello, sundrenched beaches, exotic alcoholic beverages containing a slice of pineapple and those little umbrellas on toothpicks, and a life of leisure!
At various moments in my life, one guy or another has told me, “Oh, yeah, Ray? Well, STUFF IT!” This time I’m seriously considering following their advice.
What could possibly go wrong?! The United States really is “the land of opportunity”!